Johnny Baptist's All-Natural, Honey-Locust, Spiritual Diet Plan
Hey, all you pudgy pew-potato Christians, have you ever wanted to lose weight and gain your soul at the same time? Well, now you can! Introducing Johnny Baptist's All-Natural, Honey-Locust, Spiritual Diet Plan!
Here's what you get in the Introductory Kit:
1) One hundred African bees to start producing wild and crazy all-natural honey.
(2) Twelve dozen (one gross) freeze-dried locusts. Crisp them in the microwave or eat them right out of the box! Great for curing the carbohydrate-craving munchies! Bet you can eat just one!
(3) Exercise video of Johnny's revolutionary Immersion Baptism Aerobics.
(4) BONUS! BONUS! BONUS! Plus to the first 144,000 weighty sinners that call, Johnny will throw in absolutely FREE a genuine waterproof camel-hair leotard
All this would be an incredible deal at $19.95. But we're not asking $19.95. We're not asking $9.95. Johnny's lost his head, and we're giving all this away FREE!!!!!!!
To begin your everlasting life of spiritual weight loss, just pick up the phone and pledge your eternal soul. This offer is good for a limited time only.
GUARANTEE! We'll beat any offer by the competition. If you aren't completely satisfied when the Kingdom comes, you get your salvation back. You have nothing to lose (except your blubber boiled away in Satan's Slenderizing Sauna)!
So call now: 1-800-REPENT!
Copyright 1990 Mark D. Stucky.
Originally published in the Summer 1990 issue of The Mennonite Distorter.